It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
