i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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