1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
