At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
