I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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