So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
