I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
