I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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