I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
