I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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