i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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