the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
