why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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