craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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