I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
