Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
