Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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