My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
