i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
