I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
