If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
