if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
