chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
