Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
