I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
