dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize