Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
