Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
