shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I will pee on everything he values.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
