i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
