Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
