Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
