guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
