I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
