we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
