My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
