He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
