bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Last time i carry you out of a forest
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
