so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Houston, we have a squirter
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
