yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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