hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
