I puked a lego.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
