how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
