if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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