I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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