Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
