I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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