atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How does it feel to date your dad?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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