I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize