i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We need to get me chipped asap
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
