I think I just saw someone hide a body.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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