yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ambien. No doubt about it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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