My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize