I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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