I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
