the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
