I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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