i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize