the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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