my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
